Failure is not an option

Have you ever had a day where you just felt like a total failure and waste of space?  Well, I have and yesterday was one of those rare occasions.  Surprisingly I held myself together pretty well but at the end of the night I fell apart, weeping on my husband's shoulder and pouring my feelings of failure and frustration out.
It was unfortunate really.  No one wants to feel like a failure, let alone KNOW they are for a snapshot in time, ya know?  So I got my tears out, my frustrations and worries all to the tune of my husband saying words of encouragement and support in my ears in hopes of it helping alleviate my pain. This failure isn't crucial to my marriage or family but it's regarding school and if you know me, school is pretty much my thing-so detremental all the same.

Let's be real: mistakes happen and humans are just that-human. 

Yet I strive for perfection as much as possible in every aspect of my life, though I do acknowledge the fact that I am a large procrastinator and a HUGE pain in my own ass.  And it's really heart breaking to try and try and try at something that you know you've got awesome potential to be great in and fail.

OVER. AND OVER. AND OVER. 

There's only so much this girl can take before depression sinks in and every little thing I've ever failed at comes flooding back and I want to curl up and cry and wonder why I even persist with somethings.  (No, I'm not suicidal or looking for a pity party-just being honest and willing to admit that I feel like a failure sometimes!)

So I fall asleep to the very beginnings of SVU starting on the t.v. and husband gingerly wakes me up to snuggle me back in the bed while I sleep off this feeling.  This morning I wake up still feeling like a failure but decide this: failure is NOT an option for me.  It just isn't.  I put some good music on the iPod and plopped on the Bose before heading out for my walk to campus today.  Sun shining, birds chirping, light traffic...it was beautiful.  So I made sure to repeat the mantra of "Failure is not an option" and "What's the worst that could happen?" so I could get in better spirits before starting my day.  Well, I get to campus, do the usual (checking email, replying, sorting through my stuff to do for the day) and approach my Professor.  I ask if I can have some help around noon with my midterm I am so desperately trying not to fail and he suggests he look at my data before I come in for help...I go to the other office to check my files and...they worked-all of them!  I almost cry (seriously) and start smiling.  I check them again to make sure I'm not insane or hallucinating and yes-they're working!  I go tell him that (for now) they are working and ask if I have any other problems if I can come to him before our class (and it's due date) tonight at 6.  He says sure and good luck.

And just like that-spirits soar high and smiles rapidly appear in sequence on my face.  I am not a failure.  I guess I just needed a restart button or something because everything has (thus far) worked out just fine while I analyze my data and draw up my conclusions on the findings.

Why is that?  Did I just need a wake-up call to knock me on my ass?  To realize I am not perfect and that my will power is enough and that should be enough for me?  Well it worked for today.

I am SO grateful for that shining moment, coming right when I needed it. 

Now-the midterm has not been submitted yet so obviously I have no idea how I did, but I feel confident that even if I make a C that I did my very best at a moment of weakness and that THAT should be enough for me.

Realization and working data sets can do that to a girl, ya know....