I find it so incredibly interesting how much emphasis we as a society put on developing and sustaining relationships with others. While I'm not bashing that at all, I think we often overlook the NEED to develop and nurture the relationships we have with
ourselves.
I have learned a lot about myself over my 26 years. I'm still growing, changing, and nurturing the relationship I have with myself. While I'm not blaming anyone for not doing this, I will pose this question: how can we have sustaining, deep, established relationships with others if we're still struggling to do so with ourselves? How can I be the best friend, partner, daughter, sister, student, co-worker, etc. if I'm not the best of myself? This year in particular (for some reason) has been really enlightening to me and has helped me be really introspective with myself about my goals, my dreams, my traits to work on, my traits to take pride in, me. I know I have a long way to go but I am becoming more and more pleased with the me I am today.
I'm not going into everything I've learned about myself but here are a few things:
1. I am fairly well rounded. I love classical music and dirty jokes. I can speak & read basic French and know how to change the oil in my car. I have 2 degrees in the arts but appreciate and enjoy science and the technical. I work hard and know when to take it easy. I have an array of random skills that may or may not ever come in handy. I don't mind doing manual labor nor do I mind giving presentations in front of academics. I want to be a ballerina and go help solve world hunger. I am horrible at math but do really well with equations. I am a geek and a nerd. Both my mind and heart are open. I sometimes feel glamorous. I love to say "yes" but am fine with saying "no" if I feel compromised.
2. My stubbornness, while sometimes a hindrance, is more often a great key to my success. My stubbornness can often be seen by others as determination.
3. I believe I am kind. I strive to be so everyday (though
every minute I may not be) and hope this is the #1 trait others think of when they think of me.
4. I believe I am average. I don't say this to get compliments but I find myself to be absolutely ordinary. I think the reason I don't get offended by this is because I also try to be humble (with the exception of writing an entire blog about myself of course, lol). As a society we applaud mediocrity but expect perfection while also shaming those that don't make it. What a dizzying contradiction! I am fine with my averageness, knowing that behind it I am working really hard.
5. I also strive to work
really hard in everything I do. If I know something is my job, I can promise you that I will work 110% on making sure I do it to the best of my ability. So long as I am not being compromised, I will work hard for your request, for myself, and for the sake of working hard.
6. I am sensitive. I've come to accept that. While some may think it's pathetic or weak, I find it to be a tough thing! I
feel so much, most of it grand, and I've become comfortable with that instead of being embarrassed or shamed by it.
7. I am childish. Sometimes I throw a good ol' fashioned tantrum. I can be spiteful and unyielding over the smallest matters...I'm
not proud of this but I think it's silly for me to ignore some traits I'm not so proud of. This is something I'm working on but something that may also stick around for a bit...because change takes time.
8. I am odd. Maybe not in the classic sense but amongst the average group of people I am odd. Sometimes I get self-conscious of it and sometimes I don't. I'm finding more and more that I am a person to celebrate (if only by myself) than someone who should ever feel ashamed of the things they love and who they are. I've soaked up my oddness and have decided to celebrate it! YOU SHOULD TOO. YOU are a person to celebrate!! After all, if you're surrounded by the people that make you happiest, they already love you-oddness and all.
9. I really want to be a parent. I think we have been engrained to "want" to be parents but I find that there aren't always real reasons behind the
why. Why do I want to be a parent? I want to educate. I want to watch someone grow. I want to help another person see the world and experience things. I want to know that something I did made an impact on at least 1 person in the world. I want to see what my offspring would look like. I want to know what it will do with its life.
10. Sometimes I get scared...and that's okay. Sure, we all get scared or nervous about different things in life. I think admitting I'm scared of something is a great step in working to overcome that fear. Being scared is terrifying, nerve-wracking, unsettling. But to experience the good we've
got to experience the bad, the ugly, the uncomfortable, the unknown. I'm working on overcoming the things I'm scared of and I've often found that after it's all said and done...there was really nothing to be afraid of anyway!
So there you have it. Some developments I've made with myself. I want to be the best of me so that I can be the best for everyone. I'm working on letting go of feeling ashamed, embarrassed, an odd-ball, lonely and replacing these things with celebration, excitement, uniqueness, loved.
I am me and I find that to be quite enough.
